High school theater helped me out a lot. I do still often sit in bed and run through scenerios and beat myself up about social situations - how could I have been better, wittier, more interesting? I feel like I come across as stoic and boring; most of that is just me being terrified. And I still do a lot of self-hate talk after hours, particularly after big social occasions.
What theater did for me, though, is allow me to turn "on" somebody else (no, not in a wackjob sense; it's more like pulling on a cloak of protection) whenever I'm doing something like panels, or speaking in front of people. I really have to rev myself up for the occasion, and prepare for it, but I can pull it off pretty well when I'm prepared. And I do that by sort of watching myself from the outside; OK, now I am giving a panel! I am this witty, knowledgable person! Yaya me! And then I natter on and laugh loudly and then it's over and I'm so.fucking.exhausted.
It's also really good for me to hear about somebody else who honestly finds people - even people they like very much - physically exhausting. Sometimes it's all just too much for me. People tend to take energy away from me; I don't generally get any. Some of my best friends are big talkers, and I realize I tend to be drawn to talkers because they're more likely to fill the silence, and I can just listen, and I don't have to try and "be witty" or "on" all the time; I just listen, and it doesn't exhaust me as much.
I'm actually a lot worse as far as awkward socialness goes with aquaintences. With strangers, I can use the cloak thing, "Now I'm the Kameron who writes Brutal Women Fiction! I will crush you!" and with close friends, I can just be wacky and myself. It's those sort of in-between colleague people (like ya'll at the cons) that give me trouble. Cause I certainly *know* you all, and keep up with what you post, and sort of say hello socially, but there's no real shared intimacy or established boundaries or anything, and I think I do really badly in situations where I'm unsure of where I stand with people. It's this really awkward adrift sort of place.
It's easy to be "the writer," or "the feminist" or "my friend Kameron who I've known since we were 14,"or "panelist talking about epic fantasy" but it's a lot harder to act and react in a sort of undefined social script. I think that what really helps my social awkwardness is knowing *exactly* where I stand with people. It's like it gives me some idea of where all those nebulous boudaries are, and boundaries make me feel safe, however false a feelin that is.
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What theater did for me, though, is allow me to turn "on" somebody else (no, not in a wackjob sense; it's more like pulling on a cloak of protection) whenever I'm doing something like panels, or speaking in front of people. I really have to rev myself up for the occasion, and prepare for it, but I can pull it off pretty well when I'm prepared. And I do that by sort of watching myself from the outside; OK, now I am giving a panel! I am this witty, knowledgable person! Yaya me! And then I natter on and laugh loudly and then it's over and I'm so.fucking.exhausted.
It's also really good for me to hear about somebody else who honestly finds people - even people they like very much - physically exhausting. Sometimes it's all just too much for me. People tend to take energy away from me; I don't generally get any. Some of my best friends are big talkers, and I realize I tend to be drawn to talkers because they're more likely to fill the silence, and I can just listen, and I don't have to try and "be witty" or "on" all the time; I just listen, and it doesn't exhaust me as much.
I'm actually a lot worse as far as awkward socialness goes with aquaintences. With strangers, I can use the cloak thing, "Now I'm the Kameron who writes Brutal Women Fiction! I will crush you!" and with close friends, I can just be wacky and myself. It's those sort of in-between colleague people (like ya'll at the cons) that give me trouble. Cause I certainly *know* you all, and keep up with what you post, and sort of say hello socially, but there's no real shared intimacy or established boundaries or anything, and I think I do really badly in situations where I'm unsure of where I stand with people. It's this really awkward adrift sort of place.
It's easy to be "the writer," or "the feminist" or "my friend Kameron who I've known since we were 14,"or "panelist talking about epic fantasy" but it's a lot harder to act and react in a sort of undefined social script. I think that what really helps my social awkwardness is knowing *exactly* where I stand with people. It's like it gives me some idea of where all those nebulous boudaries are, and boundaries make me feel safe, however false a feelin that is.