You must think I'm an extrovert, huh? Since you tend to see me on the internet and at WisCon. But the internet is where I go to socialize when I can't handle face-to-face interaction... Myers-Briggs treats me a bit like Niall, only, well, more so: I randomly hop between middling-to-strong I or E, depending on the test design. I suspect what's happening is that I'm slightly bipolar? The social phobia/introversion does seem tied to my depressive/hypomanic swings. Alas, I don't have good control over the switching mechanism: I was ramping up my anti-depressant during my back surgery, then ramping them down as fast as I could in advance of WisCon. And it still took me two weeks to come down from WisCon. Followed by a month of the crash-and-burn phase.
And yeah, the medication. Social phobia is actually one of my primary symptoms of depression--it's in fact what finally convinced me I needed clinical help. Five or six years ago, the social phobia got so bad so quickly, it became hard for me to mistake it for anything other than a pathological medical problem. Happily, unlike my concentration/focus problems, the social phobia responded almost immediately to the medication: within a week I could walk around campus comfortably; within two weeks I was making eye contact with my advisor. I hadn't made eye contact with the man for two years, but I didn't realize it until I could suddenly do it again.
These days social phobia is one of the few early warning signals I have when I'm starting a slide. I do get good results from forcing myself to go to parties I'd rather avoid, or even just meeting friends for coffee and talking for an afternoon. Sometimes it's enough to take a walk in the sun, or ea more fruit. But I think there's a seasonal element to my mood swings, so sometimes I just need to up my meds.
Back in middle school, I also viewed my extreme anti-social tendencies as something that needed to be corrected. And I know about overcompensating... er, did you see the navel-linty thing on my blog the other week? Where I was talking about how I was afraid people at WisCon would "see me as I really am"? Well, never mind--I private-locked that particular entry, and I think I'm pretty much done with that little piece of introspective fun. Anyway. But then there's the alcohol... I've kind of stopped drinking almost entirely because can actually feel my inhibitions slipping away somewhere between drinks number two and three. Well, and these days I have the added incentive of POUNDING MIGRAINES, too. But I do hate losing control.
How much of this is about control, I wonder?
And, oh my gosh. I know about analyzing stuff in the middle of the night. Actually... um. I have these weird twinges at random times--driving a car, say, or shopping for groceries--in which I'll suddenly twitch and cuss at myself because of something stupid I did ten years ago. Twenty years ago. It really bothers my husband when it happens.
It's okay if you think I'm insane regarding that last bit.
no subject
And yeah, the medication. Social phobia is actually one of my primary symptoms of depression--it's in fact what finally convinced me I needed clinical help. Five or six years ago, the social phobia got so bad so quickly, it became hard for me to mistake it for anything other than a pathological medical problem. Happily, unlike my concentration/focus problems, the social phobia responded almost immediately to the medication: within a week I could walk around campus comfortably; within two weeks I was making eye contact with my advisor. I hadn't made eye contact with the man for two years, but I didn't realize it until I could suddenly do it again.
These days social phobia is one of the few early warning signals I have when I'm starting a slide. I do get good results from forcing myself to go to parties I'd rather avoid, or even just meeting friends for coffee and talking for an afternoon. Sometimes it's enough to take a walk in the sun, or ea more fruit. But I think there's a seasonal element to my mood swings, so sometimes I just need to up my meds.
Back in middle school, I also viewed my extreme anti-social tendencies as something that needed to be corrected. And I know about overcompensating... er, did you see the navel-linty thing on my blog the other week? Where I was talking about how I was afraid people at WisCon would "see me as I really am"? Well, never mind--I private-locked that particular entry, and I think I'm pretty much done with that little piece of introspective fun. Anyway. But then there's the alcohol... I've kind of stopped drinking almost entirely because can actually feel my inhibitions slipping away somewhere between drinks number two and three. Well, and these days I have the added incentive of POUNDING MIGRAINES, too. But I do hate losing control.
How much of this is about control, I wonder?
And, oh my gosh. I know about analyzing stuff in the middle of the night. Actually... um. I have these weird twinges at random times--driving a car, say, or shopping for groceries--in which I'll suddenly twitch and cuss at myself because of something stupid I did ten years ago. Twenty years ago. It really bothers my husband when it happens.
It's okay if you think I'm insane regarding that last bit.