(Even though you'll probably be able to guess who this is, I'm posting this anonymously because, well, I'm shy.)
I cried a little when I read this. It always feels a little comforting to see other people go through this too (and especially now, when I feel like I'm only surrounded by extroverted people).
I think my shyness came from a combination of being TFK (the fat kid) and just a lot of self-consciousness when I was younger. I've also developed a nervousness about holding conversations; while I've been told that I'm articulate and well-spoken, in my mind, I just run out of things to ask or say, sometimes even with my close friends. I used to have a photographic memory about these things, and I finally had to force myself to stop, so I wouldn't keep replaying the awkward moments again and again.
Years later, even after growing out of that phase, I just fall back into feeling that way around crowds of strangers at parties or potential romantic interests. College was the only time when I could go to parties and have a good time; it was easy, being surrounded by geeks like me. At the same time, I discovered I needed "safe people" by my side at the the parties at Clarion West and Wiscon and even then, I would get exhausted and have panic attacks.
When I moved across the country, I started suffering from depression and developed some mild agoraphobia (the crowd avoidance flavor) that came from my problems with shyness. I've made friends from work, but that's been it. It was especially heartbreaking when some of my really extroverted coworkers - the ones who knew that I've been feeling really lonely - kept making efforts to try and get me out of the house. Even after I explained my crowd-shyness, they honestly couldn't understand why I couldn't go to their big party or head up into the city with them and their friends, and took it personally.
So I just spend a lot of time home and alone, with the occasional visits to and from friends. Like you, I'm just not wired for extroversion, and I like need my alone time. Having someone in my space and having to be "turned on" for days or weeks is exhausting and unbearable. On the flip side of that, though, I'm discovering that I can't handle being alone all of the time, either. Feeling this lonely has curbed almost all of my creative output, but I've still channeled the "angst" into productive things baking. Trying to get treated for both problems has been incredibly stressful for countless reasons, and it's hard to get past the shyness without the support of friends that are physically here. Now I'm just trying to find my way back to a place where I've already got a group of friends, so I can find myself again among the people who already know me.
Having said all of that, I guess the only thing that stops me from pitying myself all of the time is how many (lovingly aggressive) friends I've made over the years, even having been so shy. There have been a lot of days when I've felt like giving up, and part of what has kept me going is remembering that there are people that care.
no subject
I cried a little when I read this. It always feels a little comforting to see other people go through this too (and especially now, when I feel like I'm only surrounded by extroverted people).
I think my shyness came from a combination of being TFK (the fat kid) and just a lot of self-consciousness when I was younger. I've also developed a nervousness about holding conversations; while I've been told that I'm articulate and well-spoken, in my mind, I just run out of things to ask or say, sometimes even with my close friends. I used to have a photographic memory about these things, and I finally had to force myself to stop, so I wouldn't keep replaying the awkward moments again and again.
Years later, even after growing out of that phase, I just fall back into feeling that way around crowds of strangers at parties or potential romantic interests. College was the only time when I could go to parties and have a good time; it was easy, being surrounded by geeks like me. At the same time, I discovered I needed "safe people" by my side at the the parties at Clarion West and Wiscon and even then, I would get exhausted and have panic attacks.
When I moved across the country, I started suffering from depression and developed some mild agoraphobia (the crowd avoidance flavor) that came from my problems with shyness. I've made friends from work, but that's been it. It was especially heartbreaking when some of my really extroverted coworkers - the ones who knew that I've been feeling really lonely - kept making efforts to try and get me out of the house. Even after I explained my crowd-shyness, they honestly couldn't understand why I couldn't go to their big party or head up into the city with them and their friends, and took it personally.
So I just spend a lot of time home and alone, with the occasional visits to and from friends. Like you, I'm just not wired for extroversion, and I
likeneed my alone time. Having someone in my space and having to be "turned on" for days or weeks is exhausting and unbearable. On the flip side of that, though, I'm discovering that I can't handle being alone all of the time, either. Feeling this lonely has curbed almost all of my creative output, but I've still channeled the "angst" into productive things baking. Trying to get treated for both problems has been incredibly stressful for countless reasons, and it's hard to get past the shyness without the support of friends that are physically here. Now I'm just trying to find my way back to a place where I've already got a group of friends, so I can find myself again among the people who already know me.Having said all of that, I guess the only thing that stops me from pitying myself all of the time is how many (lovingly aggressive) friends I've made over the years, even having been so shy. There have been a lot of days when I've felt like giving up, and part of what has kept me going is remembering that there are people that care.