Hey, found you via devilwrites and her link - as an introvert who has learned to play "the extrovert game", I've had a lot of people protest when I mention that I am, in fact, an introvert. I've functioned for large portions of my life without any close friends - or at least people who I considered close friends, people who knew the real me. And it gets harder and harder as life goes on, which stinks because it never was easy to start with.
I think the biggest challenge for me is the fact that there are people out there who consider me their close friend and I just don't see it. I don't particularly think they'd notice if I was there or not, because I really only know them from pleasantries exchanged in the context of a group of six or seven people standing around chatting for a few minutes - but they do miss me. I feel guilty sometimes for not really missing them in turn. I don't feel like I really know them, because there's very little depth. So unless there's a relatively quick connection on a deeper level, there's little chance that I'll think of a person as being willing to be "real friends" with me. I don't do idle chit-chat very well. There's no point.
My trouble early on wasn't necessarily that I felt that I always had to be right - it was that I usually *was* right. Not because I had to prove them all wrong or prove my competence, but because I did what was assigned. That's a real fast way to get branded as a smarty-pants in the early grades.
Eventually, completely understimulated by school work, I took to reading all the time - before class, during class, walking in the halls between classes, after school. I could whip through a 300 page hardback in a day at school and still remember how to conjugate -ir verbs in Spanish. Reading served as that social barrier for me - if I was always reading then a) I never bothered anyone, b) they seldom bothered me, and c) I was seen as a sort of deviant, which has a certain "cool" factor. After all, as far as anyone could tell, I wasn't paying any attention in class, and only delinquents do that, right?
So for a long time, my reclusive tendencies were a gun-shy reaction to the fact that when I *was* myself in company, it usually ended up with people disliking me. And I still have lingering misgivings about being my full, true self in company because I got burned so often early on (no thanks to my own attitude, which wasn't exactly forgivable all the time, I'll freely admit).
The perception that I'm extroverted has a lot to do with the fact that I can be very outgoing in certain situations and for me, at least, the outgoing/shy continuum is not the same as the extrovert/introvert one. I'm not afraid to interact with people as a rule. I'm wary about certain aspects because I've flubbed up so famously in the past that I watch my footing now, as it were, but if I'm introduced to someone I don't break out in cold sweats trying to think of the right things to say. However, I have no desire to go across the room and voluntarily interact with someone I've never met before. I'm not afraid to do it, but it holds absolutely no appeal for me. It's like having a plate of onion rings in front of me: there's nothing wrong with them for other people, I'm not allergic to them and they won't hurt me, and sometimes it might be nice to have one or two, but under normal circumstances I'll pass, thanks.
I can last for about an hour in a large, milling group of people if I know a fair percentage of them. Fifteen minutes if they're all strangers. With a small group of friends (4-12, depending on the group) I can be "extroverted" (haha) for about five hours, and then I need a good hour of reading or a long walk with the husband to recharge. I saw someone mention above that the spouse now counts as "inside the fence", and doesn't drain energy - that's definitely true in my case. Of course, he rides the intro/extro line, so he understands my aversion to interpersonal interaction better than most.
And this is getting really long, so I'll move along now... Thanks for posting your thoughts - believe me, I know how hard that can be.
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I think the biggest challenge for me is the fact that there are people out there who consider me their close friend and I just don't see it. I don't particularly think they'd notice if I was there or not, because I really only know them from pleasantries exchanged in the context of a group of six or seven people standing around chatting for a few minutes - but they do miss me. I feel guilty sometimes for not really missing them in turn. I don't feel like I really know them, because there's very little depth. So unless there's a relatively quick connection on a deeper level, there's little chance that I'll think of a person as being willing to be "real friends" with me. I don't do idle chit-chat very well. There's no point.
My trouble early on wasn't necessarily that I felt that I always had to be right - it was that I usually *was* right. Not because I had to prove them all wrong or prove my competence, but because I did what was assigned. That's a real fast way to get branded as a smarty-pants in the early grades.
Eventually, completely understimulated by school work, I took to reading all the time - before class, during class, walking in the halls between classes, after school. I could whip through a 300 page hardback in a day at school and still remember how to conjugate -ir verbs in Spanish. Reading served as that social barrier for me - if I was always reading then a) I never bothered anyone, b) they seldom bothered me, and c) I was seen as a sort of deviant, which has a certain "cool" factor. After all, as far as anyone could tell, I wasn't paying any attention in class, and only delinquents do that, right?
So for a long time, my reclusive tendencies were a gun-shy reaction to the fact that when I *was* myself in company, it usually ended up with people disliking me. And I still have lingering misgivings about being my full, true self in company because I got burned so often early on (no thanks to my own attitude, which wasn't exactly forgivable all the time, I'll freely admit).
The perception that I'm extroverted has a lot to do with the fact that I can be very outgoing in certain situations and for me, at least, the outgoing/shy continuum is not the same as the extrovert/introvert one. I'm not afraid to interact with people as a rule. I'm wary about certain aspects because I've flubbed up so famously in the past that I watch my footing now, as it were, but if I'm introduced to someone I don't break out in cold sweats trying to think of the right things to say. However, I have no desire to go across the room and voluntarily interact with someone I've never met before. I'm not afraid to do it, but it holds absolutely no appeal for me. It's like having a plate of onion rings in front of me: there's nothing wrong with them for other people, I'm not allergic to them and they won't hurt me, and sometimes it might be nice to have one or two, but under normal circumstances I'll pass, thanks.
I can last for about an hour in a large, milling group of people if I know a fair percentage of them. Fifteen minutes if they're all strangers. With a small group of friends (4-12, depending on the group) I can be "extroverted" (haha) for about five hours, and then I need a good hour of reading or a long walk with the husband to recharge. I saw someone mention above that the spouse now counts as "inside the fence", and doesn't drain energy - that's definitely true in my case. Of course, he rides the intro/extro line, so he understands my aversion to interpersonal interaction better than most.
And this is getting really long, so I'll move along now... Thanks for posting your thoughts - believe me, I know how hard that can be.