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When Vowels Are Dead, Only Zombies Will Enunciate
Or, Round Two: Thunderdome.
The first battles have ended. The action was swift and bloody, and the back end of the alphabet has made a surprisingly strong showing. Zigging and zagging, weaving and yawing, tackling and stabbing and . . . the violent x- and q-type things. Impressive, and disturbing, and all quite unnecessary, but YOU DEMANDED IT.*
*(Someone did, anyway. Unless I dreamed it.)
Ladies and gentlemen, your new alphabet.
(To the tune of "Michael, Row Your Boat Ashore," as performed by Lou Reed.)
"F, K, L, M, Q, R, S, T, V, W/
(UNBEARABLE MECHANICAL SCREECHING)/
X, Y and Z!"
Now, a tribute to the dead.
A. The one that began it all, now nothing but a fading scream.
B. A's jovial, ascot-wearing sidekick. We will miss its loud, grating laughter.
C. Was it plosive or sibilant? In the end, it seems, it was only redundant.
D. Somewhere, TH is hiding a smile of satisfaction.
E. Widely regarded as the alphabet's Everyletter. It will be missed, but not by Vanna White.
U. Was a single U not enough for you, world? DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ABOUT QUANTITY?
G. Reruns of "Leave It to Beaver" will now have to be redubbed in their entirety.
H. It just goes to show, the world hates an aspirate.
I. We have all entered a Carol Emshwiller story. Report to local assimilation centers immediately.
J. Some called it a delinquent; its waggish protrusion was a source of fascination and disgust. Perhaps it was simply too pretty to live.
P. Was it prim or permissive? Proper or prurient? The question, alas, will never be answered.
O. It died with a look of surprise.
N. Could it have been the asthma?
As a sign of my own grief, I will henceforth be known only as V SWRTZ.
Here are some words which will still be usable in our new, STRONGER alphabet:
FLY
FRY
TRY
STY
STRY
WYX
FYRST
QZV
Not sure about those last few, honestly. SOME SACRIFICES WILL HAVE TO BE MADE.
Round One's biggest winner is . . . S!!! S has earned a second round "bye," which I understand it plans to spend in traction. If you see S on the street, please do not do like Grover done:
Tragic.
NOW IT CONTINUES.
(NOTE: Voting is now closed.)
[Poll #1061541]
Results Friday. Until then, I will be out scratching the vowels off of street signs.
The first battles have ended. The action was swift and bloody, and the back end of the alphabet has made a surprisingly strong showing. Zigging and zagging, weaving and yawing, tackling and stabbing and . . . the violent x- and q-type things. Impressive, and disturbing, and all quite unnecessary, but YOU DEMANDED IT.*
*(Someone did, anyway. Unless I dreamed it.)
Ladies and gentlemen, your new alphabet.
(To the tune of "Michael, Row Your Boat Ashore," as performed by Lou Reed.)
"F, K, L, M, Q, R, S, T, V, W/
(UNBEARABLE MECHANICAL SCREECHING)/
X, Y and Z!"
Now, a tribute to the dead.
A. The one that began it all, now nothing but a fading scream.
B. A's jovial, ascot-wearing sidekick. We will miss its loud, grating laughter.
C. Was it plosive or sibilant? In the end, it seems, it was only redundant.
D. Somewhere, TH is hiding a smile of satisfaction.
E. Widely regarded as the alphabet's Everyletter. It will be missed, but not by Vanna White.
U. Was a single U not enough for you, world? DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ABOUT QUANTITY?
G. Reruns of "Leave It to Beaver" will now have to be redubbed in their entirety.
H. It just goes to show, the world hates an aspirate.
I. We have all entered a Carol Emshwiller story. Report to local assimilation centers immediately.
J. Some called it a delinquent; its waggish protrusion was a source of fascination and disgust. Perhaps it was simply too pretty to live.
P. Was it prim or permissive? Proper or prurient? The question, alas, will never be answered.
O. It died with a look of surprise.
N. Could it have been the asthma?
As a sign of my own grief, I will henceforth be known only as V SWRTZ.
Here are some words which will still be usable in our new, STRONGER alphabet:
FLY
FRY
TRY
STY
STRY
WYX
FYRST
QZV
Not sure about those last few, honestly. SOME SACRIFICES WILL HAVE TO BE MADE.
Round One's biggest winner is . . . S!!! S has earned a second round "bye," which I understand it plans to spend in traction. If you see S on the street, please do not do like Grover done:
Tragic.
NOW IT CONTINUES.
(NOTE: Voting is now closed.)
[Poll #1061541]
Results Friday. Until then, I will be out scratching the vowels off of street signs.