Entries tagged with people are stupid

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people are stupid

Speaking Banal

Here are some helpful translations for everyday, seemingly empty phrases.

Workin' hard or hardly working?

TRANSLATION: It takes a superhuman effort for me to resist blurting out the incriminating details of my fatal hit-and-run last night.

How about them [insert local sports team here]?

TRANSLATION: Sometimes, when I am alone, I like to order pizza and answer the door wearing nothing but an athletic supporter.

Hot enough for you?

TRANSLATION: Are you the heir to Albion? Only give the fated answer and I will a) pledge fealty to you b) kill you with my concealed claymore OR c) perform a joyful dance in the style of Isadora Duncan.

How's it hangin'?

TRANSLATION: What is the state of your genitalia? Have you noticed any rashes or experienced pain during urination? Please consult a physician if you experience an erection lasting more than four hours.

Got a hot date?

TRANSLATION: Sometimes, lying in bed at night, I can feel myself fading away under the weight of universal indifference. Can I please have a hug?

Keepin' out of trouble?

TRANSLATION: I could use your advice on a delicate matter involving a stolen Chevy Caprice, a drunken monkey, and a freight container full of illegally obtained exotic birds.

Are we having fun yet?

TRANSLATION: I am the dullest person alive, and I ask this question in earnest because I would not know fun if it slithered up to me in a rhinestone-encrusted negligee and started to bite off my toes.

What the hell is your problem?

TRANSLATION: Could mean anything. Best to just point and laugh.

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Jesus Was a Vaudevillian

For your edification: a Conservapedia talk page on whether humor existed before Christ.

Via

jonquil by way of

james_nicoll.

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people are stupid

WTF (West Bend, Wisconsin, Edition)

Four members of a library board in West Bend, Wis., were dismissed last week for refusing to remove controversial books from the library's young adult section.

Three guesses what "controversial" means in this context.

For some reason I know a bunch of people from West Bend. None of them live there anymore. I WONDER WHY.

Current Mood: logy
Current Music: "Use It," the New Pornographers

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NYT Out of Context

Quote the First: "The sari is the most flattering garment. . . . It disguises manly shoulders, takes attention away from a masculine neck."

Quote the Second: Ms. Brown and Mr. Friedman . . . were also determined not to let Harrison "take control of the house," Ms. Brown said. They went ahead with putting in flat-front lacquered maple cabinets in the kitchen, even though they soon had to watch a professional babyproofer drill 300 holes in them for safety latches. (Ms. Brown still cringes.) They put up silk Shantung draperies in Harrison's bedroom, knowing that they might well end up stained, as they soon did--with yogurt. And they held onto the molded-wood chairs, which were not an easy transition from the highchair. "They have a very sleek bottom," Ms. Brown explained. "He slides off it."

Quote the Third: "This is just like Pearl Harbor," one of the men said.

The other asked, "What is Pearl Harbor?"

"That was when the Vietnamese dropped bombs in a harbor, and it started the Vietnam War," the first man replied.

Quote the Fourth: In a striking metaphor for Mr. Goss's powerlessness, as officers of the Directorate of Operations, or D.O., ignored his instructions and shunned his staff, he later told a colleague that "when he pulled a lever to make something happen in the D.O., it wasn't just that nothing happened," the colleague recalled. "It was that the lever came off in his hands."

Quote the Fifth: The female Beelzebufos were "lady Pac-Man frogs, on steroids," Dr. Krause said.

Postscript: I am having a lot of fun with your questions. Ask me more!

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Like the Soldiers Say

HELPFUL NOTE: If you insist upon greeting me with "Keeping out of trouble?" every time you see me, be warned that this is a question of such banality that I cannot be bothered to muster a civil response.

The same goes for "How's it hanging?"

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I MADE A POLL

[Poll #1121816]