Mumble Herder

It is a well-known but poorly documented fact that snow changes terrain. This is the true reason that bears hibernate, because bears are cartographers, and snow makes mapping a vain pursuit, placing mountain ranges on street corners and frozen lakes in parking lots. Some bears try to stick it out a few weeks, pacing off the measure of these new features of the landscape, but eventually they put in a call to the central office and say, "Fuck this. Wake me when it's over."

Birds are the primary readers of Ursine Geographic (a monthly publication with a December-to-March hiatus), and for the most part they also give up on the northern climes during this time, except for some of the more poverty-stricken species, who cannot afford a subscription. Sparrows, for example, usually have no choice but to winter where they are at, due to the high cost of rental space in southern trees. By default, they have become the primary cartographers of winter; however, unlike the bears, they have established no central office, so the same feature may have as many as 12,000 names, depending upon the creativity of the local sparrow population.

Humans, who because of their failing educational system generally do not read or speak either Bear or Sparrow, are often unprepared for the vicissitudes of winter travel. They have been known to complain about the sudden increase in travel times which snow causes. (See our previous publication, Winter Survival Tips, A PAMPHLET, for some reasons why talking about the weather is a bad idea.) Humans are apparently unaware that snow actually increases the physical distance between two points. If it takes you twice as long to get to work, that is because your work is now twice as far away. Don't talk to us about the laws of physics. Snow and physics are mortal enemies, and Red snow marks the spot where the two have recently had a knife fight.

Some of the important snow-based geographical features that you should be aware of are:

SNOW MOUNTAINS: Usually named for a local landmark, or for the plow responsible for their creation, snow mountains are really just hills to anyone but a sparrow. Still, they have been known to hold secrets, such as plateaus upon which open-air teahouses operate, secret treasures of an ambiguous nature, and the occasional sleeping Yeti. Watch out for confused goats.

SNOW CAVES: Mostly built by children, or occurring naturally under picnic tables, once abandoned these become hostels for itinerant raccoons and interior designers (the guild requires apprentices to practice in found spaces before allowing them to graduate to journeyman). Cozy, but structurally unsound, and with poor cell reception. Those with a sensitivity to taupe should tunnel on by.

SNOW VALLEYS: Usually discovered in the course of taking a "shortcut" (the word has no meaning in a winter context), these are considered mythical by some, and little wonder. Reports of secret squirrel councils (as opposed to Secret Squirrel councils, in which the world nut trade is manipulated) and hidden camps of domestic terrorist lifeguards are among the wilder stories told by those who have stumbled upon them. It is believed that in one of these valleys the real George Lucas lives, plotting the eventual overthrow of the android who usurped his place so many years ago.

SNOW MEGAPLEXES: For reasons which are unclear, movie theaters created by the snow never have fewer than eight screens. Admission can usually be had for the price of glove lint, but since the only movie ever shown is The Chronicles of Riddick they are sparsely attended and always go out of business well before the thaw.

SNOW SALOONS: Populated by outlaw snowmen and -women, these locations are notable for their gunplay, cheap whiskey, and soggy playing cards. Tip: if the piano player isn't too drunk, you may be able to get a seasonal sing-along going, but only if you don't disturb the poker game.

As always, when lost in the snow your best bet is to follow a sparrow home. If you are unable to fly, we advise you to carry flares, and chocolate for distracting the wolves.

This may not be Spring, but it's definitely Thaw.

First, and most importantly: every part of your foot should hit the pavement simultaneously. Do not attempt a rolling gait on unfamiliar snow. (All snow which you have never walked in is unfamiliar snow.) Plant your foot as though you were a giant whose tendons would snap under your weight if you were to walk unevenly. Also, please note that moonwalking is not recommended.

When walking into the snow, lower your head. If you are a product of northern climes this is instinctive, as is the occasional back pain which results. (See also our upcoming publication: "How To Shovel Snow, A PAMPHLET.") If you are a transplant to northern climes, your ancestors may have been unable to develop a knack for watching where they were walking with their heads held at a forty-five degree angle. During the mammoth migrations they slid onto their bottoms that final time and lay there thinking, in their proto-language, "Fuck this." When they rose they turned from the course of the mammoth herds and traveled south to live on mangoes and shellfish. Either that, or they were trampled by a mammoth, in which case you are descended from ghosts. This probably explains the melancholy you can't seem to shake as well as the fact that financial stability always seems to slip through your fingers.

There is a myth that the Eskimos have a ridiculously high number of words for snow. The truth is that every language has as many types of snow as it has adjectives. A few of the more common types in English are:

* Wet snow: snow which is ideal for making snowballs, snowmen, snowforts, and snow cannons.
* Dry snow: snow which is used for martinis
* Crusty snow: snow which has a funny smell and habitually complains about kids these days
* Christmas snow: snow which starts hanging out in the malls around Halloween, making fun of turkeys
* Black snow: snow which suffers from emphysema
* Blue snow: snow which is particularly sensitive to the cold
* Yellow snow: snow which is cowardly and also not recommended for eating
* Green snow: snow which has just arrived at the front and is likely to get the rest of the unit killed if it doesn't wise up
* Clingy snow: snow which sticks to one's coat and melts when one moves indoors, only to send text messages every hour asking "where r u?" If ignored it will call your mother.
* Slutty snow: snow which hangs out on cars or buses for a while, then drops off onto the street, and ends up dripping into the cuffs of your trousers, which will then have to be washed.

Where there is snow there is ice. Snow is known for sprawling out across concrete and asphalt, looking innocent, but in fact hiding wide expanses of sheet ice. (This is colloquially known as "Fuck you" snow, not to be mistaken for the abovementioned "Fuck this" snow.) Sheet ice is what snow becomes when it has given up all hope. Sheet ice is bitter and doesn't care who it hurts; its only concern is that it not be hurt again itself. Mound ice is sometimes safer but can also be more injurious because of the protrusions. Gravel ice, in absence of clear asphalt or thick snow, is a sometimes viable alternative. As you stomp on it, crushing out its last forlorn hopes for the future, the friction should be enough to allow you to pass. But as always where ice is involved, be wary.

A word about footwear: snow has no appreciation for your kicky new shoes, and it cackles gleefully at high heels. Some say that this is misdirected envy, and that in truth snow would like nothing better than to pull on a nice pair of nylons (it just likes the way they feel against its skin) and slip into some Jimmy Choos. (This is sometimes referred to as "Carrie" snow or "High maintenance" snow.) These people are the same people who stop dead in the skyway to sing "Jesus Loves the Little Children" while everyone steers around them avoiding eye contact. The truth about snow is that it is always barefoot, and its feet are tiny.

All snow is enraged by corduroy pants, because they destroy the silence.

(See also Winter Survival Tips, A PAMPHLET.)

The other morning we woke up to snow, which quickly melted into a soggy, shoe-destroying mess. But if you were out early enough, it was beautiful. I took some pics in case you missed it.

Snow covers many sins.

DO NOT WANT.

Right, because there must be hundreds of screenwriters in Hollywood who'd come up with a better take on Wonder Woman.

Three hours of cable news as background noise has led me to believe that people are stupid. I'm not sure this qualifies as news.

It's too cold.