Speaking Banal

[snurri]

Here are some helpful translations for everyday, seemingly empty phrases.

Workin' hard or hardly working?

TRANSLATION: It takes a superhuman effort for me to resist blurting out the incriminating details of my fatal hit-and-run last night.

How about them [insert local sports team here]?

TRANSLATION: Sometimes, when I am alone, I like to order pizza and answer the door wearing nothing but an athletic supporter.

Hot enough for you?

TRANSLATION: Are you the heir to Albion? Only give the fated answer and I will a) pledge fealty to you b) kill you with my concealed claymore OR c) perform a joyful dance in the style of Isadora Duncan.

How's it hangin'?

TRANSLATION: What is the state of your genitalia? Have you noticed any rashes or experienced pain during urination? Please consult a physician if you experience an erection lasting more than four hours.

Got a hot date?

TRANSLATION: Sometimes, lying in bed at night, I can feel myself fading away under the weight of universal indifference. Can I please have a hug?

Keepin' out of trouble?

TRANSLATION: I could use your advice on a delicate matter involving a stolen Chevy Caprice, a drunken monkey, and a freight container full of illegally obtained exotic birds.

Are we having fun yet?

TRANSLATION: I am the dullest person alive, and I ask this question in earnest because I would not know fun if it slithered up to me in a rhinestone-encrusted negligee and started to bite off my toes.

What the hell is your problem?

TRANSLATION: Could mean anything. Best to just point and laugh.

Comments

[wheatland-press.livejournal.com]

You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps!

[(Anonymous)]

I'm not sure I know the people in my deparment well enough to forward this on. I will say that, since starting this job, no one in the cubicle farm has said any of these things to me. We tend to limit our discussions to how we're going to keep Client Services from ruining their own data.

[timakers.livejournal.com]

I keep forgetting to log in before I'm clever.

[snurri.livejournal.com]

TRANSLATION: I am in fact crazy, but it is not helping.

[jamiam.livejournal.com]

One lower than the other, babe.

Nice translations!

[dewey921.livejournal.com]

I always knew there was loads of ambiguity hidden in many onion-like layers in the statements you translate. I'm armed for the future! ~Jodyth

[http://users.livejournal.com/_stranger_here/]

Oh, sweetie. We definitely need to get you out here for some Mafia and non-corporate friend-time.

(TRANSLATION: I wish to kill you before the sun rises.)

[snurri.livejournal.com]

I would greatly enjoy that.

TRANSLATION: Dead by dawn! Dead by dawn!

[http://users.livejournal.com/_stranger_here/]

Groovy.

[haddayr.livejournal.com]

"Let me tell ya: those are a couple of wild and crazy guys!"

[sarah-prineas.livejournal.com]

So how's it going?

[tanaise.livejournal.com]

I would suggest that you launch a counter program of banality by mis-using common idioms--"It's a mute point," etc--except that clearly no one would notice, and then you'd go on some sort of killing spree.