A Man Makes Fun Of Things That Are Stupid

[snurri]

You really ought to read this essay by Esquire columnist Tom Chiarella about men. Not because it's good or I agree with it or endorse it or anything of the sort. Because it is jaw-droppingly stupid. An excerpt:

A man carries cash. A man looks out for those around him--woman, friend, stranger. A man can cook eggs. A man can always find something good to watch on television. A man makes things--a rock wall, a table, the tuition money. Or he rebuilds--engines, watches, fortunes. He passes along expertise, one man to the next. Know-how survives him. A man fantasizes that kung fu lives deep inside him somewhere. A man is good at his job. Not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. Not his career. His job. It doesn't matter what his job is, because if a man doesn't like his job, he gets a new one.

Somehow every time I look at that it turns into this:

A moron writes words. A moron flails about for telling details--declarations, clichés, sentence fragments. A moron owns a frying pan. A moron has an extensive collection of pornography. A moron makes assumptions--about gender roles, about sexuality, about class. Or he fantasizes--about sports cars, Rolexes, cash. He prefers the company of men, but not in a gay way, REALLY. Irony escapes him. A moron pretends that women have no interest in the martial arts because the thought that they might hit him is scary. A moron is not good with words. Not words, not ideas, not talking about men. He is paid by the word. Two-fifty. It doesn't matter what words he puts down, because those who do not agree with what he says are not men.

I could go on--there is much more--but it parodies itself.

Comments

[jamiam.livejournal.com]

Oh, god, I saw that this morning. I decided the only way I could cope was to give into the societal pressure and do my very best to be that man, and try not to feel too insecure (because a real man owns the flaws society imposes on him) about the fact that I can't possibly live up to such a perfect, manly vision of manhood.

though I am vastly relieved to hear that my dread of the dance floor, with its hordes of hot women and the constant risk of actual touching is completely in line with the modern paradigm of masculinity.

[tacithydra.livejournal.com]

What is this, Both of You Linking Trainwrecks So Bad They May Be Parodies Week?

[snurri.livejournal.com]

You mean that guy who couldn't pronounce "vaginal"? A man wants to slam that guy's head into a brick wall.

[jamiam.livejournal.com]

I love you, man.

[snurri.livejournal.com]

I went ahead and beat myself up and spent last night in the hospital, trying to reconcile myself with the expectations of my gender.

[mabnyx.livejournal.com]

I mean, yes, the completely insane idea of who can be called "a man" is ridiculous, but my favorite part is this:

A man loves the human body, the revelation of nakedness. He loves the sight of the pale bosom,

A moron does not realize that though he may be white, not everyone in the world is white.

[marlowe1.livejournal.com]

Forget about the whole "all dudes dig white chicks" problem. What about the fact that a man uses the term "bosom"? Bosom? Is a man a bad romance novel cliche?

[cmattg.livejournal.com]

A man loves the quote in your icon and wants to know where it's from.

[mabnyx.livejournal.com]

http://annerbhp.livejournal.com/72382.html

Sometimes rambling around Livejournal brings you wonderful things and delightful new words.

[bibliogrrl.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, how have I never ever seen that icon before. I LOVE IT SO.

I have an awesome book I should give you, in light of that icon if I ever finish it. *glances with woe at Unfinished Book Mountain*

[porphyre.livejournal.com]

What's better is that icon is not really an icon, per se, so much as a t-shirt: http://www.tshirthell.com/funny-shirts/my-marxist-feminist-dialectic-brings-all-the-boys-to-the-yard/

[snurri.livejournal.com]

There's some sort of trifecta there. Racist, sexist, classist--not that it's news that Esquire is targeted at wealthy white heterosexual males, but Christ.

[bibliogrrl.livejournal.com]

Yours is so much better.

<3

[snurri.livejournal.com]

I should do this for a living!

[bibliogrrl.livejournal.com]

Make fun of people? TOTALLY.

But you're so NICE. I knew that nice exterior concealed a heart blacker than coal. I KNEW IT.

UPDATE FROM THE USED BOOK WORLD: Kind of neat thing, I have never ever seen a copy of Superpowers come into the shop. Ever. Which means that everyone likes it enough that they ain't getting rid of it.

[justinhowe.livejournal.com]

Shhhh. Be quiet or that essay will come into your house, give you a wedgie, and stuff you in a locker.

[snurri.livejournal.com]

"Ha ha! So we meet again!"

[marlowe1.livejournal.com]

That kung fu line reminds me of the bit in Snow Crash about how every man thinks that with just the right circumstances he could become an ass kicking vigilante and how Hiro Protagonist realized that it was never going to happen for him. Or the Seinfeld routine.

Amazing how some can do these gender stereotypes and not sound like complete morons. I suppose it's only amazing because the whole concept is pretty moronic.

[snurri.livejournal.com]

Interesting you bring up Stephenson, 'cause I'm reading Cryptonomicon at the moment and while I think it's good, he gets tripped up by the gender stuff a lot too.

[marlowe1.livejournal.com]

Mostly at the beginning with Waterhouse's original girlfriend. But mostly he's using her to slam on the excesses of academia. Amy Shaftoe is pretty cool. And I love that part where Lawrence Waterhouse is trying to figure out the mathematical formulae for fucking Mary and using "I'm going to church" as code for "I'm planning on fucking your sister until the bed gives out" and thinking that it's a code that only he can decipher.

Although Mary doesn't get much verbiage; which is strange since she's important to both Waterhouses. I don't even know if that's her name.

Oh well. I just finished the book and you're right. It's a cool book and I loved the way he could incorporate coding and math in such a way that it was still entertaining. But he really puts the women on the shelf for most of the story.

[fengi.livejournal.com]

A man writes like Hemingway while denying he was an alcoholic bisexual who was kind of tightly repressed before committing suicide.

[snurri.livejournal.com]

A man insists that just because he thinks it would have been awesome to be Hem's drinking buddy and go to bullfights and sleep in a tent together beside a river clutching their rifles between their knees DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

[marlowe1.livejournal.com]

Still loved Truman Capote's assessment of Hemingway: "I am the man that Hemingway pretends to be."

Because seriously, it takes a lot more balls to be that openly homosexual in the 1940s and 1950s than it takes to run away from a bull.

[ajjones.livejournal.com]

You're awesome.

[v-verticordia.livejournal.com]

Your parody made my day. Hilarious. I especially like "A man gets paid by the word. Two fifty." Oh my aching sides!

[snurri.livejournal.com]

Magazine writing pays crazy good. Which is why the fact that crap like this gets published is especially maddening.

[haddayr.livejournal.com]

zomg

i'm a man